Open Adoption. Closed Off.

When I was young, my adoptive mother made some of my clothes. I was about eight years old and on a two week visit with my biological family when my sister noticed the shirt I was wearing one morning. “Did your mom make that for you,” she asked. I liked to sort of pretend that my biological family was “my family” when I was with them. This question was a reminder that I had a different family.

Once I was back with my adoptive family, I obviously missed my biological family. My biological mom had called one afternoon, but I wasn’t at home and had missed her call. When I came in, my dad said, “Your mom called. She wants you to call her back.” I also sort of pretended that my adoptive family was “my family” but these were the types of situations that brought me back to reality. I had a different family.

I’ve written before about the middle ground open adoption left me in. By being in TWO families, I never really felt in a family. It wasn’t about confusion necessarily. It was about the reality.

It felt isolating. Extremely isolating. I never felt lucky. I never felt grateful. I just felt lonely.

I think open adoption is an adult concept. It centers on an understanding that each visit will end and boundaries must be respected. It asks children to grow up quickly and develop that adult understanding. This happened for me slowly over time. As each visit would end, my heart was slashed. Eventually, a heart learns to harden and not invest so much. The child that repeatedly sees his/her mother and siblings together and fully realizes that he alone was given up must develop thick skin. There will never be any other hurt that cuts this deep.

Other adoptees from open adoption that I’ve spoken to have described the experience using words such as “mess,” “turmoil,” “not fully belonging,” “chaotic” “cursed” “detailed” “told how to feel” etc.

I remember one person asking me what it was like growing up in open adoption as if I could somehow convey the experience in a simple manner. I tried to explain that I couldn’t give a simple answer. There is no way to describe how horrendous it was. There is no way to explain the emotional violence. There is no way to describe the complexity. There is no way to describe the hurt and pain of being there, but not.

How does one explain what it is like to be adopted into one family and adopted out of another family, yet be “with” both families?

The effort of inclusion ensured my exclusion.

It was isolating.
It made me lonely.
Open adoption left me feeling closed off.

42 thoughts on “Open Adoption. Closed Off.

    1. Kat Post author

      I really struggle with saying one or the other is better. I think it’s hard for an adoptee to see her mom doing just fine in life and not being able to understand why she can’t be with her.
      I also have read about the deep hole/emptiness left by closed adoption and having no answers and how it leaves an adoptee to only imagine what they are missing.
      I just can’t say what’s better/worse – not knowing or knowing.
      I can only describe my experience. Sorry for not having a better answer. (I sincerely mean that)

      Reply
      1. Elizabeth

        Wow! Thank you for sharing such raw and poignant feelings. Adoption, in all its forms, has such pain and complexities. None of it is simple. I was at our OHio Birthparent Group “open” meeting recently, which means aps, paps, bps and adult adoptees all discussing things together. For those parents who have open adoptions, there is genuine good intentions expressed to do the “best” they can for their children and conduct themselves well in their “open adoption” relationships; unfortunately, good intentions on the part of adults cannot erase pain, end all questions or make it easy. I have no words other than I am sorry adoption is so hard.

        Reply
        1. Kat Post author

          Elizabeth, Thank you for sharing. I appreciate your encouraging comments.
          I’ve also been to a few of those types of open meetings. It’s difficult when I hear some APs say their kids won’t have the same issues as closed adoption adoptees because they have open adoptions. (???)

          Reply
          1. Elizabeth

            I personally suspect the belief that there were will be no “issues” is their fervent desire and perhaps the idea that having information of or access to biological family hopefully equals “no pain”. But, I am guessing that open adoption is similar to reunion in that while I have information and access to my son, the pain of the separation and years lost is still there.

          2. Kat Post author

            Yes, exactly. I think many hear the closed adoption stories and are simply trying to not bring about the pain associated with that. I’m not sure that they ever consider open adoption as a situation that is also painful. Of course it is painted in such a way by agencies and popular discourse that it is beautiful and just an “extra large family embraced by all.” So yeah, sounds good.

    2. Dana

      I think no adoption would be better. In situations like this where the parents obviously had a temporary situation they had to deal with, it should have been a temporary guardianship arrangement and then this lady returned to her parents once the crisis was past. If anybody should have to suffer in an arrangement like this, it ought to be the adults, who are supposed to be mature enough to deal with disappointment.

      There will still be situations where a child needs to be permanently removed but they don’t happen as often as you think they do, and they still don’t require adoption. You can take away someone’s custody rights without changing the child’s entire identity, and you can facilitate that child still knowing as much of the rest of their family as possible, too.

      None of this suffering of the adoptees and first families is necessary. Absolutely none.

      Reply
    3. Anise

      Hi there, I’m also adopted and don’t think anything good about adoption, open or close. A adopted child never feels part of enyone because you know you were no good for anyone. Even if someone tells you that your mother did it to give you a beter live. It’s a lie.She does it only for herself and a better future for herself. The moment the child is adopted she doesn’t realy know what happens in that child’s live.I was adopted by a couple where the woman had a heart condition and she died when I were 2 jears old. And then I were alone, with a adopted father that didn’t want me anymore and I ended up growing up with his parents. He got maried again and his new wife made my live hell, hating me for being a intruder, asking me why don’t I go and look for my own mother. And I were molested my whole life and no one cared about
      me and my live were a secret, I weren’t not aloud to wonder who I realy were.I had to be thankful for being adopted and not ending up in a orfenich. So that’s why I don’t think anything of adoption

      Reply
      1. Kat Post author

        Anise, I am so, so sorry. I am sending you so many hugs right now. Please know you have a place here on my blog to continue to share your thoughts freely. Please comment and talk about your perspective as much as you like. You, like the rest of us adopteees, have a voice now and you’re welcome to express yourself!
        If you are on Facebook, there are some great adoptee support groups. Many adoptees have faced similar trauma and are there to support each other. Some groups are “Adoption Healing Network” “You Know You’re Adopted When…” and “Adoption Sucks.”
        Huge hugs. <3

        Reply
      2. kali

        I’m a birth mother and how you feel means a lot, I HATE that I listened to peoples and gave my baby up but I promise that I didn’t do it for myself at all…I was convinced that it was the best thing for my son.
        I’m sorry you feel that way*hugs*

        Reply
  1. cindy

    What a gentle explanation of the trauma experienced by adoptees. Kat, Your voice is the voice that most assuredly needs to be heard in respect to how open adoption can and I would dare to say, does, affect *the child*. No matter how perfectly loving, kind and capable the parents (all of them) this produces such great emotional and mental turmoil on the child. Which in turn often produces physical symptoms of distress.

    The word *reality* really caught my attention because I feel that adults fail to remember how much reality a child sees, knows and feels. Throughout my life I have often observed that adults spend more time in ‘fantasy land’/head in the sand/not wanting to …face reality, than children do. Maybe that is big part of the issue.

    I would love to see this post used as educational material for all prospective adoptive parents and expectant parents (or their families) considering adoption of any kind as I think you have also touched on the ”I have another/two family/ies, but not a family” that many adoptees feel.
    ((((((hugs)))))) I’m so sorry you hurt this way.
    cindy

    Reply
    1. Kat Post author

      Cindy, I agree with you about the turmoil and stress manifesting in physical ways. For me, it was extreme anxiety by 6 yrs old and eventually depression.
      Now that you mention it, it seemed more important to my adoptive mom to see my open adoption in a positive light and I wanted to please her so I tried to be supportive of her positive comments about it. I wonder how many adoptees are just going along with it so the parents can remain in the ‘fantasy land’ of a happy adoption.

      Reply
      1. cindy

        In your ”wondering how many adoptees are just going along with it so the parents can remain in the ‘fantasy land’ of a happy adoption.” that, I think being the result of a legitimate fear on the part of the adoptee, of rejection and abandonment. Well, that and children by nature aren’t, but very rarely, maliciously hurtful. Sometimes truth hurts and in a child’s eyes even an adult ‘childs’ it can be the hardest thing to do to speak truth with our parents. ”cause, everybody say it together now, ”we don’t want to hurt our parents”. Trouble with that is we often end up a clinical mess (angry, scared and hurting=depressed) because we didn’t speak openly or more often weren’t allowed to. I love the phrase ‘permission to speak freely’ (with best possible manners of course, even though sometimes they ain’t so great). Children are loving and want to be loved, nurtured and given wings to soar. I think, from my own experience, that means treating children like human beings. not little automatons with no feelings, thoughts and experiences or needs, wants or desires of their own. Children need to be shown how to express all these things and how to work through (not avoid!) the difficult stuff. Hoping that grownups get it figured out someday and learn that kids are people too.. even the youngest among us. I wonder if it wouldn’t be a better thing to treat kids like the adults we want them to become. instead of expecting kids to act like adults…when they’re not.
        I have that thing of a (step)parent (initial contributor in the loss of my son) not wanting to hear any negative experience or feeling related to adoption….. she pretty well shut me down and out for a long time. We are still in the ‘I don’t know how to continue this discussion right now’ phase. As in, I don’t know how too. She says she is now listening but still nothing on her part that tells me she is HEARING me. No acknowledgement to requests made , no answers to questions asked, no acknowledgement of experience or feelings shared -by me. sigh. I almost called her today but then I got busy. It’s tough trying to figure out how to communicate with the people you love and say they love you (family) when there is the same -I don’t want to hear it- going on. I’ll give her credit though, she does seem to be trying. She just never realized (or didn’t want to) how much pain and suffering this thing called loss to adoption has cost me. Is it wrong of me to want her to allow me to share my experience and feelings with her and to want to receive understanding and acknowledgement of… me/my reality? Am I being unreasonable, unfair or selfish? It has been so much a part of my life, even when I want to try to forget for awhile it’s always there, always. Sometimes like a hawk on a rabbit. It is not an it .. It’s my son who is always there. Always in my thoughts, in my mind, and my heart, in me. Maybe, if they want to -do adoptions- they could make an amnesia pill for those of us who are ”supposed to forget”.

        Sorry for rambling on so long. Let me know if I should ‘shut up’ I’m used to hearing that so it won’t be a problem. When you have been corked like a bottle, sometimes the thoughts do come out in a flood.
        Cindy

        Reply
        1. Kat Post author

          Cindy, you won’t find any ‘shut up’ requests here! Talk all you want and be heard and know you aren’t alone. None of us are alone and we all need reminders of that. <3

          Reply
    2. Dana

      All voices should be heard. The angry voices should be heard too. This is a violence visited upon children, and some adults won’t listen to anything *but* forceful language. If you can’t be bothered listening to adult adoptees using forceful language to explain the hurts they experienced then you’d go catatonic the first time your teenager said “I hate you.” And nearly all of them do it, if the anecdotes are to be believed.

      Reply
      1. Kat Post author

        Yes! If the parents can’t hear us – adult adoptees with no relation to them – then how the heck are they going to handle it if their adoptee wants to express dissent about their view of adoption???
        Thank you Dana!!!

        Reply
  2. 77Yan

    Kids are pretty literal, and I think that makes adoption hard for adults to explain. The “nice” language that’s used by adults makes things worse, not better, for children, so far as I can see (and based on my experience).

    I met my mother and her family in my early 30s. She’s married, though relatively recently, and has no other children. She has siblings, they have spouses and kids, my cousins. Meeting them two years ago, and gradually getting to know them a little, at a great geographic distance, I’m finding it immensely confusing. They’re great people, people I would like to know even if we weren’t related, but I’m baffled by the torrent of emotions. And I’m an adult. A stable, healthy, functional adult who has the time and sometimes the energy to find words to talk about my experience. I can’t imagine going through this as a child, at all, with the limits of knowledge and experience.

    So, yes, open sounds better than closed. But it seems like it might also be differently or even possibly more complicated. It’s good to hear someone talk about it.

    Reply
    1. Kat Post author

      Even as adults, the complexity hangs on. I’m glad you were able to meet her and your extended family, but the emotions are still so overwhelming. I think it is just another reason I’m so glad for the adoption community. They are all the ones who get it and understand. I’m especially thankful for #flipthescript because, like you wrote, it’s helping adoptees find their voice and feel confident in speaking. I really appreciate all that you’ve shared. <3

      Reply
      1. Amy

        Open adoption hurts. I’m assuming from people I’ve spoken to and blogs/stories I’ve read, closed adoption hurts. I don’t think there’s any way around it. I don’t think one is “worse” than the other, because each holds its own kind of hell.

        My daughter’s amom thought we had the fairy tale “adoption situation.” I blew her out of the water when I finally revealed the pain that my husband, kept kids, and I had been feeling for 18 years. I waited that long so that she couldn’t shut us off from our daughter once she found out the truth. Prior to that, we put on our happy faces and played “one big happy family.” Seems the aparents were the only ones happy. My daughter is almost 30, and feels she has some sort of attachment disorder. She is in terrible pain, needs therapy, is not in a position to pay for it, and will have to lie to her aparents as to *why* she needs counseling. Not my recommendation, but she feels her aparents will feel they failed, and weren’t good enough. She won’t do that to them.
        Even though all of my kids “kind of” grew up together, none of them (there are 6) have a relationship with their adopted away big sister. They are cordial and civil, but there is no real communication, except for the occasional facebook comment or “like.” My “kept” daughter born 10 yrs. after my first daughter, feels hostility towards her “big sister.” There are truly bad feelings between them. I think they both feel rejected by each other. I think my oldest daughter was overwhelmed with how to form relationships with everyone since she was only with us a couple of times a year. There is no way to make this better. Hopefully in time, they will all come together. It’s extra sad because my kept kids have fairly close relationships among each other. Adopted away daughter is definitely “odd man out” and it must really hurt. It is almost unbearable to live with.

        Glad to see you posting again, Kat. Keep it up!!

        Reply
  3. Mirah Riben

    Thank you!! I have been predicting this would be the outcome of this social experiment for decades.

    Wanna know the sickest part? Open adoption was never created to be a better experience for adoptees! It was created as a sales pitch for expectant mothers after *shame* was no longer an issue. Up until the 1970s if you were pregnant and not married you either had an illegal abortion, got marred, or were forced by your parents to relinquish – and expected to forget it ever happened!

    It’s called the baby scoop era cause the number s of babies placed was so high.

    Once birth control became more available and girls could stay in school pregnant…and it was no longer a major scandal…

    ALSO, by the end of the 70s CUB was started and birth mothers started speaking out about the pain of losing kid to adoption and how the grief never ends, sooo

    infant adoptions started to decline and baby brokers were losing business…so, they created open adoption to tell expectant mothers they have their cake and eat it too! No responsibilities but not have the agony of not knowing if your kid was OK.

    the other really sad pat of open adoption is how many mothers enter it to it and get totally screwed either because the adopters lied from the jump and never intended to allow any openness…or it starts out open and then closes. Lots of moms feeling betrayed!

    Bottom line: adoption SUCKS and nothing makes it right or better. I cannot even imagine the pain of visiting a family that you were given up from!

    have you told any of your parents how you felt/feel???

    Reply
    1. Amy

      Mirah,

      Speaking for my “adopted away” daughter, I mentioned above that she knows she needs therapy, and even at 30, needs her aparents to pay for it. She is going to lie as to why she needs to go. She won’t tell them that she thinks she has some type of attachment disorder for fear of her amom “taking it personally and feeling she didn’t do a good enough job.” Luckily, she has a friend who is studying to be a psychologist who is helping her somewhat, backing up what I’ve already explained about adoptee issues, and that she is not some maladjusted, unbalanced person. This is a result of being given up, and nothing and no one can fix it. It was done at birth, and now must be coped with and healed as much as possible.

      I think open adoption creates divided loyalties, much like reunited adult adoptees, but we’re expecting CHILDREN to deal with it. It’s adding insult to injury to little individuals who have no coping skills, and many aparents (like my daughter’s) just want to play like everything is hunky-dory and we’re all one big happy family! Problem is…we weren’t.

      Reply
      1. Kat Post author

        I think some parents REALLY want everything to turn out fine. They hope so very much for the adoptees to be “okay.” Adoptees are sensitive to how others want them to feel. If they detect that the parents want them to be okay, many adoptees will act okay. Problem is, there is no honesty in that and once again, many adoptees have to hide their true feelings for the sake of others. How many adoptees have to say “I’m 40 something and I’m finally finding my voice” for others to notice that?
        Thank you for sharing. <3

        Reply
      2. Joanne Denner

        Amy, you are so right about divided loyalties. Those involved with closed adoptions also experience the same difficulties when beginning a search. What makes it almost unbearable is when your real family members (children and spouse) and friends don’t get it and blame you for your issues and refuse to try to understand, telling you to “get over it”. This causes continued trauma and stress and nowhere to turn. It changes you. Does anyone else experience this lack of understanding from those around you? If so, what do yo do?

        Reply
    2. Kat Post author

      Thank you Mirah. I have talked to my biological mom about it some. I just don’t want to make her feel bad so I hold back a lot. It’s too late to change anything now, but I can talk about it here and am so thankful to have others who understand what I’m saying. So appreciative of everyone who has commented and the entire adoption community.

      Reply
  4. Fern

    Thank you so much for sharing so openly. We have on open adoption with the father of our daughter who was adopted as an infant. His situation and the situation of her half siblings is so chaotic and heartbreaking; I often wonder what it will be like for her over the years to know that her siblings are really really struggling. This is an international adoption. Your post really made me realize all the emotions of feeling between two families.

    Reply
  5. julie j

    This author did a good job of describing simultaneously being in 2 families without really being a true, full member of either. It’s becoming more widely recognized that closed adoption was a failed social experiment of decades past because of the effects on the adoptee, for whom adoption was meant to serve their best interests. While “open” is purported to be the new answer to supposedly make adoption more palatable, it turns out it’s really not. I suspect we will be hearing much more from the adoptees of open adoption in the years to come.

    “Open” adoption may sound better in theory than a closed one, if indeed the adopters turn out to be among the minority of them who honor their original (non-legally-enforceable) agreement for the adopted children to stay in touch with their families. The real motivation behind “open” adoption was to stop the domestic, infant adoption business from dying out altogether, as very few parents are interested in giving up their babies to closed adoptions, but some can be coerced into what they believe will be “open”. Adoption agencies simply mutated in order to continue existing.

    Being a relatively new concept in the adoption world, the adoptees subjected to it are now reaching adulthood & speaking out on their experiences. It cannot be easy for a child to witness their parents who claimed to love them come in & out of their life on a regular basis, repeatedly abandoning them. It’s made worse when the child sees their parents are perfectly capable of raising their siblings, but supposedly not them. “Open” adoption is not what it is sold to be. Closed adoption is not the answer either. Both in their own ways are cruel acts to subject human beings to.

    My conclusion – People who do not intend to raise their own children really have no business bringing any children into the world. Every child born deserves to be wanted, loved & cared for by their own families, or at least by their extended families, not strangers. It’s just not fair to do that to a child. It’s not “loving.” It’s not “more.” It’s not the “best of 2 worlds” or any of the other euphemisms that open adoption is known for suggesting. A better goal for society to be working towards is helping all families & communities stay strong so they can all raise happy, healthy children.

    Reply
    1. Kat Post author

      Yes! I love family preservation efforts. I encourage everyone to find a way to support those efforts in their own community (food banks, housing assistance, adopt a family – if any reader here needs help finding something in your community, contact me. I’ll help you!!!). Thank you, Julie!

      Reply
  6. Geochick

    You bring up very good and poignant points. Either way, open or closed, adoption is hard on the adoptee caught in the middle. Both of my kids will have half siblings who are with their first-moms. It will be hard to understand, and I will never understand. I can only hope that I give them a space where they feel okay to express their feelings if/when they feel stuck between families.

    Reply
  7. Monika

    PLEASE don’t take this comment as trying to diminish your experience and the experiences of those in open adoptions like yours. I truly agree with Amy’s comment (above) when she said adoption is hell no matter what: open or closed. Brokenness and loss are SO closely connected with adoption that it’s impossible for them to be approached separately.

    However, as a mom who has surrendered her (now 5 year old) daughter to an adoption with an open relationship attached, I fervently hope for my daughter’s sake that the familial feeling all her parents share will never cause her to feel like she was never in reality, as you have experienced. I’ve heard stories from now-grown adoptees who don’t seem to have any issues stemming from their open adoptions, just like there are adoptees who don’t seem to have any issues stemming from their closed adoptions. They may be in denial or maybe they’re not. I don’t know.

    I am very sorry that you have had the experience you’ve had, and thank you for telling your story. Since adoption is supposedly about the children involved (even though it’s not really), your voice and voices like yours are the most important ones for us all to hear!

    Reply
  8. Laura

    Hey there, great post. It’s not even *close* to being the same situation, but I think I kinda/sorta get where you’re coming from.

    My real dad signed away his rights to me when I was four or five, and my mom’s second husband adopted me. Until I was five and this strange man showed up, I didn’t even know my adoptive dad wasn’t my real dad–had never had reason to think about it–and now, all of a sudden, here was this other dude insisting I call him “Daddy.”

    I often say that my parents were early proponents of open adoption before the concept even insisted, and what I recall most was a feeling of torn loyalties. When I’d go to New York in ensuing years to visit my biological dad, I always felt like I was “cheating” on my adoptive dad. My bio-dad was really insistent on forcing this father/daughter relationship on me, thus the calling him “Daddy”, and in other ways, too. I used to dread his phone calls and visits, and would try to be out playing elsewhere if he was expected to call. Those calls were tortuous. He’d scold me for not writing to him or to his mom. Sometimes he and my Grandma would visit me in the state where I lived, and I’d feel sick and apprehensive for weeks leading up to them.

    When I was 12, he and my uncles and Grandma planned to stop at our house on Christmas Eve, on the way to spend the holiday with other relatives. My adoptive dad was going to be there, and the thought of having to be in the same room with the two of them together made me want to run away. While getting ready for church that night, I expressed this to my mom. She conveyed it to my adoptive dad, who told her to tell me not to worry, it was going to be fine. And, it was! They were both great; they got along like old friends, there was no weirdness, and it allayed all my fears.

    Sadly, my bio-dad died about a year and a half later. I so wish I could have gotten to know him better, and on a more adult level. (My adoptive dad passed away about 6 years after my bio-dad.)

    So, I can relate up to a point, and I know that feeling of not really belonging anywhere. It was bad enough with one parent, and I can’t imagine having my whole world be that way.

    I hate it when people say “a child can never have too many people who love them.” While the sentiment is true at its core, circumstances like yours, (and mine, to a much lesser degree), can also add a lot of confusion and stress to a kid’s life. I pray that you find adult relationships with all involved to be a lot easier to navigate.

    Thanks again for an eye-opening piece.

    Reply
    1. Kat Post author

      Laura, thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry that it was difficult for you in this situation. I guess if there is a positive, it is that you were able to know your dad before he passed. I’m sorry you lost both of your fathers while you were so young.
      I think you really made a great point about how things changed for you once you were able to be honest about your concerns. That is such a huge obstacle for many adoptees. If being honest and forthcoming about our feelings as adults is difficult, it is even more so for young adoptees. In general, many adoptees feel so concerned for not wanting to hurt feelings of either family.
      Again, I really appreciate you sharing.

      Reply
  9. Elizabeth

    I suspect Amy is right – both open and closed are their own kinds of hell. At our birth parent meetings, we have parents from all eras – 1950s to present day. I think when the group first began four years ago some individuals had a “bias” that one was worse than the other. I quickly decided after hearing the difficult emotions from “both sides” that they both are complicated and hard and painful. One doesn’t trump the other – they both stink. They’re like two sides of the same crappy coin.

    Ultimately what matters is what our relinquished children think of it all. We need to know even when it hurts to hear their truth.

    Reply
    1. Amy

      I agree, Elizabeth. Years back when the internet became widely available, I began to read stories of other “birth”mothers and adoptees. I was completely, totally taken aback by the adoptee voices I heard! They weren’t “happy” being adopted?? They actually “missed” their (birth)family?? I wasn’t completely replaced by the amom?? They didn’t feel “better off” being given up?? They had issues that lingered well into adulthood?? As well as discovering other (birth)moms like me who were having problems due to relinquishing, many had the same exact story I did…right down to the coercive phrases used by agency social workers. My carefully constructed, protective wall of defenses came crashing down, and sent me straight to a therapist. The discovery of being blatantly LIED to…it knocked me off my feet. I *needed* to believe what they told me about my daughter being better off and happy without me. It’s all that kept me together emotionally! And BOOM…my life was turned upside down. I’m guessing the adoption business has been hurt by the internet as well. They can’t lie as easily and keep us in the dark anymore.

      I began to read, read, read and educate myself as much as I could in anticipation that I would have to help my daughter one day. That day has come…actually it’s been slowly coming for quite awhile, but she has finally opened up to me about feeling truly damaged. Our adoption has been fully open since she was 9, so I have no idea how much damage relinquishment in general did to her, or if it was the open situation. My guess is that it’s a combination. I married her (birth)father and had 6 other kids after her. Her aparents thought it was a beautiful, reassuring situation for our daughter…that she would see she wasn’t the product of just 2 stupid teen-agers passing in the night, but a committed, loving relationship. Looking at it now, I think that might have made it worse for her!! And no, she can’t talk to her aparents about any of this.

      I know that there are some adoptive parents who have the best of intentions, love their adopted child, and have the utmost respect for the birthfamily. But eyes need to be opened that for many adoptees, and who can predict which child will have difficulties, being adopted is going to be painful and there will be much healing to do…even in the “best” of circumstances. Not everyone views “best”in the same way. I’ve learned that the hard way. And so has my daughter, sadly.

      Reply
      1. Ariel

        The internet has just as many “happy” first mom blogs as not. They’re entitled to their opinions and lives, but I still hate those happy bloggers (who are usually part of an open adoption) for making adoption seem like no big deal.

        Reply
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