Monthly Archives: November 2015

Google Search Terms

The writing prompt from Lost Daughters for today asks us talk about being called an “angry adoptee.”

I was doing some research for another blog post I’m writing and I needed to look through some of the Google search terms people have used to arrive at my blog. I’ve glanced through this list of terms before, but never really paid too much attention to it. Today, I took some time to really look at some of these terms, questions and statements, and yes, it makes me realize why so many adoptees are angry, including myself.

As an exercise in entertainment or at the very least, to provide some insight about what people think of adoptees and adoption, I’d like to share some of these things that people say.

A Few Google Search Terms for Sisterwish

My most favorite search term ever.

  • How to be a supportive sister to a teen mom

You’ve obviously arrived at the wrong blog.

wrong-way-167535_640

  • Happy adoptee blog
  • Gotchaday charms
  • Adoptees who support the Cappobiancos

Can anybody help me sort out this birth certificate confusion?

  • How do you know if your birth certificate is an original?
  • My name is smudged on birth certificate
  • My mom lied on my birth certificate
  • What state seals the adoptee birth certificate the state of birth or adoption
  • My birth certificate has my biological last name and I have always gone by my adopted last name how do I get social security card
  • Adoptee denied passport because of amended birth certificate
  • How do you know if your birth certificate is original
  • Passport with amended birth certificate?

My father is an asshole.

  • When your biological father doesn’t want contact
  • My birth father doesn’t want to know me
  • Rejected by natural father
  • My bio father doesn’t want to know me

Why didn’t I think of that?

  • National Unethical Adoption Awareness Month
  • Adoptive parent whistleblower

But I thought open adoption was better!

  • Open adoption sucks
  • Open adoption adoptee wish it was closed
  • Open adoption is bad
  • Adoptive parents feeling uncomfortable and wishing hadn’t done open adoption
  • Adoptees and open adoption
  • Open adoption and teens
  • Half sister from an open adoption
  • Open adoption jealousy

Why are adoptees so awful?

  • Adoptee jealous sibling kept reunion feel replaced
  • Adoptees not able to support others emotionally
  • Why is my adopted sister so jealous of me
  • Blog about adopted sister
  • Bad adoptee blog
  • Adopted sister is trying to divide myself and my biological sister
  • Frustrated adoptive mom
  • Adoptee rage

That’s just so wrong, it didn’t need to be googled.

  • Is it wrong to touch your adopted sister
  • Why are Mexicans dirty

Be angry.

  • Late discovery adoptees
  • Dismissive statements like “she’s a big girl, she can handle it”
  • Amom doesn’t want adult adoptee to meet Bmom

Adoption ethics, original birth certificate issues, second class citizen status, expectations of adoptees, stereotyping, molestation, lies, jealousy, accusations, regret, rejection – yes, I think we can all understand why adoptees might be angry and some even livid, outraged, furious or downright pissed. We’re not here to be dealt with as a Google search term in an attempt to find some simple solution in dealing with us.

We’re here to be loud and bold. We have a voice and we’re using it. I hope it makes you angry. And I hope you join us in our demand for justice and ethics and especially in our efforts to be heard.

Open Adoption Lost and Found

Writing prompt from Lost Daughters for NAM: For those who have searched for birth family, talk about the impetus that lead you to search, the emotions leading up to making contact, and the reactions of those family members you found.
For those who have been found by birth family, talk about your emotions upon being contacted and your response to the person who found you.
For those who have not searched nor have been found, talk about whether or not you feel you ever will search and the reasons for your choice.

These questions aren’t exactly conducive to being answered by an adoptee from open adoption (in my situation anyway), but I want to try to answer the prompt for today.

I was 4 years old when I first remember seeing my mom. I had actually only been separated from my mom 3 years prior when I was just shy of a year old. I’m sure I had prominent memories of her, but sadly, I couldn’t remember them then and I don’t remember them now. I keep focusing on that word, “found.” I guess the implication is that I had been lost during that time we were apart. That doesn’t accurately describe it though.

I felt as though I had been given responsibility to keep up with something that I had failed to keep sight of. I was a 4 year old wandering through life looking for something.
LostandFound
My lack of ability to keep up with what I had been given wasn’t something that I fully realized. It’s like losing all of your traditions. You just know that something that was everything, the meaning, the importance of life, is now gone. Someone asks, “What is it you’ve lost.” And you try to explain, “Well, it’s this thing that used to occur. It was important because it defined everything about me. It doesn’t happen anymore. But I can’t stop looking for it. I’ve been careless and now it’s gone.”

Except 4 year olds don’t have the language to explain that it wasn’t a thing.

“I wish I had a sister,” was the best I could do.

I’m sure I recalled my sisters. Somewhere in my memory I could see the faint images of us playing or fighting or singing together – that tradition I had lost. I said, “I wish I had a sister” so many times that my adopter finally had enough of it and blurted out that I did have a sister. In fact I had 2.

Something found.

So yes, maybe I had been lost. But more than that, I had lost something. Something important. And when that something important walked into the place where I had been looking for it for 3 years, everything went to shades or orange and red, warmth and sunshine. So that is my memory of seeing my mom for the first time. Sunshine.

She radiated tenderness, calmness, sweetness, softness. It was the first time I ever liked the sound of my own name. In her presence, I felt steady, embraced, loved, accepted – it felt like there would be nothing I could do wrong.

To be young and stupid.

So to answer the question, “my emotions upon contact?” I felt like I could stop looking and stop blaming myself for losing. I found what I had lost.

National Adoption Month – Adoptees Flip The Script

November is National Adoption Awareness Month. The Lost Daughters has provided writing prompts each day this month for adoptees. I’d like to respond to their prompt for today.

Talk about what National Adoption Month means to you as an adoptee. What is missing from the traditional narrative promoted during each November? Why is it important that adoptees’ experiences and opinions are heard during NAM? What does it mean to you to Flip The Script on National Adoption Month?
NAM15Flipthescript
I’ve been around the adoption community for about 2 ½ years, so I was only exposed to National Adoption Month (NAM) once previous to the #FlipTheScript campaign. That year (2013), I was so deep in researching adoption issues for myself that I wasn’t really paying a ton of attention to NAM.

But I started paying attention last year and what I see presented in the mainstream media is a completely different story than what I’ve been hearing and speaking about for the last couple of years in the adoption community. For the most part, it seems that the larger understanding of adoption seems to be centered on the “saving” and the “obtaining” of adoptees and adoption as a way of “building a family.” That has nothing to do with what I focus on and talk about.

My passion is helping natural families remain together when possible. My desire is to bring adoptee rights and original birth certificate access for adoptees to the attention of more people, especially legislators. My goal is to raise awareness about ethical issues in adoption to everyone, not just within the adoption community.

In practical ways, all of these things mean that I’m constantly experiencing adoption. I’m involved with Saving Our Sisters. I write and speak to legislators in my own state and in other states when needed. I speak often about Rob Manzanares, Carri Stearns, Kimberly Rossler and other parents who are fighting for their children who have been targeted by unethical adoption tactics.

My experience is living adoptions issues daily and I’ve found that by connecting with other adoptees and hearing what they have to say, I’ve grown as a person and as an adoptee. My own experience of being involved in the #FlipTheScript campaign last year (2014) was a game changer. This was when I found (via #FlipTheScript) other adoptees from open adoption. It was a moment I had been waiting on for years. To find others that had experienced adoption in a similar way as me and to finally know that I wasn’t alone was amazing. Those are connections that I hold close to my heart to this day and those are the types of connections that are there waiting for other adoptees.

National Adoption Month should not simply be about saving an orphan or finding an option to deal with infertility as the media would like to focus on during November. What is missing is an accounting of all of these ethical issues in adoption and the personal experience of adoption that comes from the adoptee point of view. These are the things that the mainstream media hasn’t embraced (yet).

#FlipTheScript has stopped that Saving/Obtaining narrative in its tracks and has brought the focus back where it should be – To the adoptees who have lived this life of being adopted. We are the experts and we are here to say, forget what you think you know and start listening to us. You might just learn something about adoption.