Monthly Archives: April 2014

Open Adoption Has Already Been Discussed

As I was deleting the spam comments on my blog this morning, I came across one that simply read, “This has already been discussed.”

A spam comment with complete insight.

Yes, adoption and specifically open adoption has been discussed. At length. It’s been discussed by experts, those that haven’t lived it, those that have been the adoptive parent with a big (sometimes super loud) voice. To a much lesser extent, it’s been discussed by those that have lived open adoption as the adoptee.

I’ve discussed it here, in others blogs and in comments on the web, but wow, sometimes I feel like the small voice, again the child’s voice, while the APs/BPs, especially the vocal ones, have the megaphone. I mean, when I read through the posts, tweets, etc, they are the one who is quoted. They are the one who is turned to as the expert opinion.

And I think that sounds like I’m whining. Quite often when I begin to write, all of it seems self indulgent. My experience, my opinions, my words … I’m sort of over hearing myself.

But then, I see the APs being chosen to speak on adoptees behalf and honestly it just pisses me off. I hear the praises (which also praise the AP) for maintaining an open adoption and how it is somehow “better.”

Maybe. But maybe not.

Maybe not when I hear the words of adoptees from open adoption in closed groups or private messages which are entirely contradictory to the idea of open adoption being “better.”
Maybe not when entire segments of my own memories are lost – from my twenties.
Maybe not when I see adoptees from open adoption that seem numb.

I hear one thing from my fellow open adoption adoptees. I hear a completely different thing from APs, biological parents (hoping the keep their adoptions open), and the industry as a whole.

Our pain from open adoption is there for others to dance upon and celebrate. We walk a line of two families, never fully in either and our open wounds are photographed and rejoiced by others. We’re told we were so lucky. For open adoption is the ultimate rejoice for an adoptee! – pfft.

It’s like having a crime committed against us and watching as everyone around us heaps attention on and joy out of the violence.

I’m sitting in the corner in the fetal position, rocking back and forth while others are happy about the act that put me there. And what kills me is that while closed adoption adoptees completely understand this feeling when it comes to the act of adoption, some just can’t see how it is completely being perpetuated once again with this concept of open adoption.

When someone says “open adoption is so much better,” it is like the closed adoption adoptee hearing “adoption is beautiful.” It’s a violent strike that rips me to shreds.

The spammer was right. “This has already been discussed.” But maybe we should hold off on the over eager positive outlooks until there are as many adoptee voices from open adoption as there are from closed adoption.