Monthly Archives: February 2014

Open Adoption Realities

Some people would have you believe that open adoption fixes the ills of adoption. If people don’t appreciate adoptees speaking out about the realities of being adopted, even more people are especially not excited about an adoptee speaking out on the realities of being raised in an open adoption.

So be it.

If adoptees are told to be grateful, open adoption adoptees are told to be especially grateful. After all, we had the answers to all our questions. Or did we?

If adoptees are told they were loved, open adoption adoptees are told they were extra loved. Look at all those moms just waiting to dote on us.

If adoptees feel a hole where genetic mirroring is concerned, open adoption adoptees are super lucky. There’s the woman I repeatedly said goodbye to in the mirror. She loves me. Love does equal goodbye, right?

If adoptees have to search for their family, open adoption adoptees search for the meaning of family. A mom and dad? I had two of each. At age 4.

If adoptees felt they weren’t kept, after all, isn’t that what it comes down to? Well, open adoption adoptees aren’t kept either. Repeatedly.

If adoptees are lucky to be saved, was I saved every time my Amom picked me up from my Bmom?

If adoptees are told that biology doesn’t matter, tell that to my biological sister who was crushed when I couldn’t deal with the complexity anymore and disappeared from her life.

If adoptees are told that open adoption is the answer and that it’s too bad they didn’t get to be part of that fulfilling set up, let them know, it sucked.

If adoptees are told that adoption is just a part of who they are, open adoption adoptees have both moms present at school events to remind them of that “special part.”

If adoptees feel like they fell out of the sky, open adoption adoptees know they came from one woman’s arms straight into the arms of another woman. That’s comforting. (not)

If adoptees heard ‘why didn’t your real mom keep you?’ open adoption adoptees heard, ‘you’re real mom seems SO nice. Why didn’t she keep you?’

If adoptees have their records sealed, so do open adoption adoptees. Tell me again how open adoption adoptees don’t have to live with secrets and shame. I’m all ears.

*of note, this isn’t about open adoption adoptees having it worse than closed adoption adoptees. I don’t believe closed nor open is “better.” It’s just about realities conflicting to commonly held beliefs.