Monthly Archives: December 2013

Thinking of Adopting?

Conflicting Views on Adoption

My biological mom shared with me that after she was born, her mom was going to place her for adoption. When the adoptive parents showed up, her grandmother (my great grandmother) stepped in and stopped it.

Typically, when I try to have a conversation with her about my own pain of the grief and loss of being adopted, it turns to a conversation about her pain of ALMOST being adopted. She suffers a great deal from this. It is a part of her life that is difficult for her to process and she tends to speak a lot about it. I can feel the heartbreak in her voice.

Honestly, I have no problem with setting aside my own feelings for a time and talking with her about the fact that she was ALMOST adopted. I can completely empathize with how upsetting it must be for her.

Imagine finding out that your mother ALMOST placed you for adoption. Almost. But she didn’t.

Most likely, even if she did ALMOST place you for adoption, she won’t tell you. It’s like mothers who considered abortion but then chose to give birth. Most parents won’t share that information with the child. Why cause pain for someone over something that was only considered?

So, most likely, you will live your life without giving much thought to adoption except those fleeting moments when they bring out the unicorns in cinema or pop culture. You will be taught to view adoption as wonderful for those needy children who get adopted. A family is created and everyone is happy or so they insinuate.

That is exactly how my biological mom views adoption. She says that most adopted people are happy they got adopted. I’m not sure how she reconciles the fact that she ALMOST got adopted and it is very upsetting to her, yet, my adoption should lead me to a happy place. I’m still working on figuring that one out.

Regardless, you will most likely never know that possibly, your mother wasn’t in a great situation at the time you made an appearance and possibly, someone played upon those insecurities to persuade her to place you for adoption. Possibly, a neighbor or clergy or relatives looked at you as that needy child who could use a better home than the one you were born into.

Was your mom single, broke, young, immature or just plain not good enough for someone around her?

If she fell into any ONE of those labels, it could have been you sitting here adopted. Adoption might not feel so wonderful and fuzzy when you think of yourself as the one who had been given up.

And if one of those categories applied to her, the only reason she didn’t place you for adoption was because she found a way out. Someone helped her. Someone stepped up. Someone stepped in.

Thinking of Adopting? – Family Preservation vs Adoption

Instead of continuing the facade of how society wants us to view adoption, is it possible that you could be that someone for a mother to be?

Could you help keep a family together so that when that baby grows up, he might only have to wonder if his mother considered placing him for adoption rather than knowing? Maybe to him, adoption will never mean anything more than a far away thought of what is needed occasionally rather than an acceptable institution where hearts are broken, but it is somehow celebrated. Maybe to him, his mom might mention that it was hard in the beginning when he was a baby but that it’s also the ‘good old days’ that were filled with love and play.

And maybe the most heartbreaking thing she will remember is watching him grow up too fast

Could you step up?

Could you step in?